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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0ZPTFfpO40

If you had to choose between allowing yourself to be killed or allowing five random people in the world to die, which would you chose?

This is one of the hardest questions I've ever thought about. It's been in my head for a few years now, probably from some which would you rather game. My immediate response at age eleven, or whatever it was, was to, without a doubt, save myself. Now, I'd like to think I'd save the five others. Does that say something about how I value my life now? I'm not entirely sure. Though I suppose my reasoning isn't necessarily that eerie either. Perhaps, rather, I'm just valuing numbers. But anyway, I've been fairly confident with my response of allowing the other five to live, up until I asked my Dad - posing to him what I called "the most difficult question I can think of." Immediately he said, "Well, I think the answer is pretty obvious, Rebekah. Everyone would choose to save themselves." Which makes me wonder - is it just that the ordinary individual would never actually be able to sentence themselves to their own death? And that I too, would be just like everyone else, and supposedly fall victim to reality's version of myself rather than my own imaginary version.

Because don't we all imagine ourselves different than we really are? In our heads we can think of ways to be more charming, more intelligent, wittier, funnier.. we can be the absolute greatest within our own heads, but in reality we just can't always live up to it. Ironically enough, though, at the same time we're also, quite easily, the most fucked up person in our own opinion, since we can all think of ourselves in the worst possible way as well. Which makes me wonder, which one are we really? Are we our ideal person, the person we act as, or the scum we can make ourselves out to be. All three completely different people living within one strangely enough. Funny.

I feel like I might be trying too hard, but I'm not trying at all really.. just trying to condense senseless thoughts into words. Too much is going through my brain right now. I wanted to go for a walk two hours ago - just so I could escape for a bit, just so I could leave this stuffy room, but apparently that would have been the loose equivalent to me just laying down in the middle of the road, waiting for cars to hit me. I hope I'll be able to do something like that in the summer, though, because that's what Em and I have been planning to do so we can leave the house and just.. chill. I really REALLY hope we do it.