I hit 3500 songs today and additionally downloaded itunes genius, which is actually really perfect for making playlists. Granted, it's not always consistent, but it works much better than I expected it to! I spent last night with friends, again, and the only downside is the complete state of exhaustion I'm presently in. Though, I suppose the "A Fine Frenzy/Adele" based soundtrack isn't necessarily preventing as much as it is lulling me into a comfortable, sleepy state. I can't nap though, because I'm busy cooking dinner and I have to bike over down the street soon to feed the neighbors cats. And on this note, I should mention that I think I've already done more this summer than I have the last one.

Last summer I wrote down the most significant thing that happened to me on each day down on the calendar. Most of these updates consisted of "Played the Sims" or something equally as riveting as "Went outside." I'm planning on this summer working out a little better, though I suppose we'll see.

Whenever I'm sleepy like this, I like to take my ipod into bed with me and try to fall asleep listening to music. Hoping the real music will blend with my near-unconciousness, producing this distorted, musical, dreamlike state. But I cannot physically do it. Despite how quiet, how low-key, the music is, I cannot fall asleep. But it's not the presence of a noise that keeps me up, because I can't sleep in complete silence either. It's almost as if I need the exact conditions established by my bedroom for me to fall asleep.. why I am I sharing this?

I just decided another goal for myself this summer is going to be re-reading all the Harry Potter books. (This will be a summer goal, not a lifetime one.) I used to be completely obsessed, but now I barely remember what happens in them. Not to mention this summer is still another continuation of my tradition with my Uncle Joe to always go to see the movies the night they premiere. It's funny - the first film came out in 2001 and the last one will be coming out in 2011 (Deathly Hallows is split in two parts: one part realeased in 2010 and the other in 2011). That's 10 years that I will have gone to see this with him (wow, brilliant math skills here). But seriously, so much has/is going to change between when they first came out to when the series finishes. The entire thing will have taken me from being a third grader to nearly a freshman in college as the whole "journey" wraps up - and that's if they don't delay anything, like they have done with nearly all the movies so far! Crazy.

S'all I got for now.

Today, I felt like I was twelve years old again. I was extremely angsty (by the way - shout out right here to my dad who has tried to inform me a number of times that angsty is not actually a word) and whiny and just god awful. Very little happened this morning which was good.. I woke up to an almost empty house and it stayed that way until later in the afternoon.

I listened to my ipod in the sunshine for awhile. I wish I could just fall asleep out there during the day, but I've been having some serious difficulty sleeping. Like I said yesterday - way too many things on the mind. Including this upcoming family trip to the cape. I would like someone to go with me, I really would, but at the same time I'd hate for them to see really what everything is like with my family. We're all emotional wrecks and I don't know, it can be.. bothersome from time to time.

I just watched the movie Frequency an hour ago. So good. And on a completely unrelated note - my summer goals list has just become a continuing life goals list. I just added to it: go to a wax museum, attend glastonbury festival, and at some point watch the aurora borealis.


I don't have much else to say..

Good Morning! I don't really have much to say other than if you're looking for new music, try the free playlists at http://lstn.urbanoutfitters.com/ #5 you need an itunes account for, but the other four are just zip files. The music is pretty good actually, a little too eclectic at times, but overall excellent.

Yep. That's all for now.

Despite my present exhaustion and additional need to keep the fact that I am presently awake from my parents, I feel as if I seriously need to blog right now in an attempt to make sure I keep doing this. I basically decided there was zero need to write about the meaningless details of my overwhelming studying process this past week.. so I didn't. The thing is though, when I'm developing a habit I physically need to keep it up on a fairly consistent basis - or else it basically all goes to shit, and I ultimately end up losing interest (i.e. my two-month long attempt at keeping "fit" ). But, yeah, the only good thing about my finals study sessions was my continued path on the way to musical discovery. And on a semi-related note to that, I just discovered that on my ipod I can make an "On the Go" playlist straight from it without even using itunes. I've had this ipod for almost seven months now, and I'm still discovering random things about it.. like this, and the fact that I can take screenshots of the screen with it. Fascinating.

Presenetly, I'm waiting for the rest of my family to go to bed so I can stay up watching late night talk shows to the point where I grow completely and utterly exhausted and fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow. I've had zero sleep this week so far, and I can't seem to fall asleep right now due to far too many thoughts drowning any chance I have at sanity.

Damn. The sleeping plot has been foiled. I hate being the ranty, whining, stereotypical teenager when it comes to my parents but allow me this completely generic rant. My mum and dad fail to treat me as someone they could ever remotely consider an equal. Oh I know: "Wow. Poor you - you can't expect to be treated equality when, in fact, as their child you are the inferior." But the problem is, it's not even necessarily equality as much as it is almost human-like treatment! I'm sub-human to them, apparently. They don't trust me, though I've never given them a single reason not to, and never even attempt to listen to me either. (How average is this, I know..) For example, this summer my father has decided it's vital for me to go to a four day business camp of sorts. Here's the dilemma: I don't care for understanding heavy, computer corporations, presently have no intention in entering the industry my father works in, nor do I really want to be enrolled in a class with a bunch of bussiness school freshmen from college. Yet these points that I've raised apparently are not worthy for the consideration of my dad, as it would be "embarassing for him to tell the head of the program that is daughter, in fact, would not be attending this course." And on another "I'm so misunderstood, pity my life" rant, I find that it is completely impossible to share parts of my life, or have discussions with them. If I bring up drifting apart from a friend, they immediately insist that that cannot happen, and our distance is clearly a sign of my existance as a complete invalid. On an almost daily basis they've made a point of reminding me that I have no friends, and as much as I appreciate being informed of this fact, I have to say it's not necessarily helpful.

But friends - I suppose that's as good as a segway as any to talk about yesterday. After my hand broke off at the wrist following my English and History finals, I went out with some friends (..and their friends) to the mall and basically "chilled". It was nice to get away, just wandering aimlessly, and almost loitering in the expected fashion of high schoolers. We ended up seeing Transformers, and personally I would've appreciated if they could have filled Megan Fox's lips with a little bit more colligen. She's really pushing the envelope on conquering the porn star look, but I'm thinking she needs to look just a bit more manufactured. After that, we went to the McGowans house and Emily and I slept over. It was fun. I can't even necessarily recall all of the specifics that we talked about (oh trust me, though, there are a few things distinctly in my mind - haha) but if there's one thing I fully remember it was the bliss of just being with them, and in the presence of people I love. Cheesy, I know, but they're great, in case you - for some reason - were not fully informed of this fact.

If you want a song for the moment, try Our Bovine Public - The Cribs.

So I'm getting my ass kicked by a drawing. That's right, I'm being completely taken out by this thing. I've spent atleast ten or more hours on it and I'm barely halfway done. The only good thing that has come from this time has been the fact that I have now pushed my music collection to three thousand, and I've discovered the brilliance of Cajun Dance Party.

If you cared about my dreaming progress - I actually had a dream that I remembered last night! Though, I was convinced it was real and wasn't able to manipulate it, as it was yet another apocalypse dream. They're probably one of the most common dreams I have: some supernatural disaster wipes out the entire world's population except for the people conveniently with me at the time. Then we proceed to drive around, (me driving by the way, I'm always awful at it) checking out the wreckage. Pretty morbid. And seeing as dreams are our subconscious talking to us, I wonder if I should be concerned?

I always feel weird talking about dreams, especially with people in real life. Whenever dreams come up in conversation, people (now this is actually, probably, just going to be me) always assume that the others involved are lying, even if that possibility wouldn't make sense. It just seems like whatever people's dreams are, are complete fabrications just pulled out of thin air to continue interesting conversation. Yeah, this is definitely just going to be me thinking this, but whenever that conversation happens things just seem so fake. Which, I suppose, shouldn't be a surprise, seeing as these things in our mind are far from reality.

I've spent the majority of today working on my art final - which has been stressful but equally enjoyable. I can’t believe this year if finally, seriously, coming to a close.. though I’m not sure if that’s necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, as I will soon start the social decline of the summer, which always ends up with me being completely frustrated and angst-filled.

But I promised myself this summer was going to be completely different – something new, so who knows, maybe I’m just taking a completely pessimistic stance on all of this. I’ve started making goals for myself this summer – they’re pretty airy, simplistic ones. Spend an entire day at the cinema just sneaking into different movies, find a four leaf clover, learn to whistle, go skinny dipping, and learn to lucid dream. My number one out of all of those is the lucid dream one – being able to control your dreams sounds beyond amazing. I’ve done it before, realized I’m dreaming and sort of manipulated the scenarios, but usually I can’t due to not realizing it’s a dream until it’s too late or just not being able to remember any of the dreams I’ve actually had. According to the internet, the first part of learning to control your dreams if being able to recall them on a nightly basis, and learning to differentiate between real world and dream world. This requires you to do something kind of silly, like feel the need to pinch yourself on basically an hourly basis so that in your dreams you’ll do this too and when you don’t feel anything – realize you’re in a dream. Last night I tried the technique of repeating the mantra “Tonight I will lucid dream” over and over again in my head, but yeah, it didn’t entirely work out. I thought it was kind of funny, also, that on the website I was reading about it, it said to be careful once you mastered the technique, and that you shouldn’t do it every night or else you’ll grow disappointed with the real world. I can imagine that happening. A distorted reality is far preferable to.. this.

But I told Em all this today when we went for a walk, which was really a perfect escape. I felt like I talked way too much, and I probably did, so I apologize for that! There are few people I really feel like I can actually talk to without fully having to think out everything I’m going to say, and not having to do that is such a liberating feeling. But during our walk we managed to lay out in traffic, (sort of) get thrown out of the pond, walk in the rain, walk along the tracks, and get creeped out by at least three different people passing by. Love it.

I’ve been in a really musical mood lately, in the past twenty-four hours I’ve downloaded about 300 songs and there is no end in sight. I love it. I’m usually fairly disappointed in my music taste, but all this new stuff is overwhelming in the best way possible. That song I posted in my last post in the youtube link was kind of what inspired the new template background I found. I think I’ve listened to that song about 16 times so far today, since I have barely left the desk in my room, and tomorrow is looking similar. I really hope to finish my art final tomorrow, I have two hours in class on Monday too, but I’d like to be able to relax for most of Monday, just to feel free for just one more day before the more painful testing begins.

Back to work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0ZPTFfpO40

If you had to choose between allowing yourself to be killed or allowing five random people in the world to die, which would you chose?

This is one of the hardest questions I've ever thought about. It's been in my head for a few years now, probably from some which would you rather game. My immediate response at age eleven, or whatever it was, was to, without a doubt, save myself. Now, I'd like to think I'd save the five others. Does that say something about how I value my life now? I'm not entirely sure. Though I suppose my reasoning isn't necessarily that eerie either. Perhaps, rather, I'm just valuing numbers. But anyway, I've been fairly confident with my response of allowing the other five to live, up until I asked my Dad - posing to him what I called "the most difficult question I can think of." Immediately he said, "Well, I think the answer is pretty obvious, Rebekah. Everyone would choose to save themselves." Which makes me wonder - is it just that the ordinary individual would never actually be able to sentence themselves to their own death? And that I too, would be just like everyone else, and supposedly fall victim to reality's version of myself rather than my own imaginary version.

Because don't we all imagine ourselves different than we really are? In our heads we can think of ways to be more charming, more intelligent, wittier, funnier.. we can be the absolute greatest within our own heads, but in reality we just can't always live up to it. Ironically enough, though, at the same time we're also, quite easily, the most fucked up person in our own opinion, since we can all think of ourselves in the worst possible way as well. Which makes me wonder, which one are we really? Are we our ideal person, the person we act as, or the scum we can make ourselves out to be. All three completely different people living within one strangely enough. Funny.

I feel like I might be trying too hard, but I'm not trying at all really.. just trying to condense senseless thoughts into words. Too much is going through my brain right now. I wanted to go for a walk two hours ago - just so I could escape for a bit, just so I could leave this stuffy room, but apparently that would have been the loose equivalent to me just laying down in the middle of the road, waiting for cars to hit me. I hope I'll be able to do something like that in the summer, though, because that's what Em and I have been planning to do so we can leave the house and just.. chill. I really REALLY hope we do it.

I LOVE checking the weather. It's one of those things you know you have absolutely no control over whatsoever, and yet a lot of your day depends upon it, and because of this I'm left completely vulnerable and thereby completely obsessive about it. Anyway the weather is actually going to finally start heating up just in time for finals, just in time to start sticking to chairs and sweating in disgusting amounts when you're already stressed out enough all ready. Lovely.

The strangest things make me sad. (I actually wrote this on my ipod a few days ago and just remembered now so excuse the complete irrelevancy) Like ice cream truck drivers. Now, when you enter the ice cream truck driving industry I'm pretty sure you're aware that you're not planning on living a profitable life - not unless you manage to come up with a company but that's beside the point. Anyway, you drive an ice cream truck because you love the job, because (well, at least I imagine) you love ringing the little bell and giving kids something they love. But can you imagine how disheartening it would be to get all happy about playing the ridiculous jingle and pulling up to a place with a lot of kids, only to get no one to come? I don't know why - but it's just a really depressing thought for me - when you think you're providing people with a service, when in reality, no one really cares or doesn't want the help.

Today I had my last official studio art c;ass and realized how much I was going to miss it, it was the one class you could never really dread going to and it was such a perfect atmosphere. Especially I love how much Mrs. Stangle was like a mommy, all getting us to huddle and talk about our art and share and be jolly. Ha.. I don't even know! It was such a brilliant year!

30 views. Wow. I'm really moving up in the world.

Yesterday, I really impressed myself, and managed to sleep from around eight at night to my wake up time of five thirty.. I'm fairly positive it was the most sleep I got on a school night all year and it's just coincidentally enough that I accomplished this with less than a week and a half left in the school year.

Finals are coming up and I haven't really prepared.. at all. If I startq getting ready for them this weekend, though, that will actually not be procrastinating for me. I kind of perfected this techniue during midterms called "only studying for the final the night before, starting at around eight o'clock." The theory was that I could pull pretty close to an all-nighter, then go to school, take the tests, come home, and sleep and basically continue the cycle. It was actually a pretty solid plan, so what's a little suffering now if my grades benefit and I can make up all the sleep in the future? This weekend I think I'm going to ask my mum to take me grocery shopping so I can start drinking coffee, only for finals though. I'll probably get some ridiculous kind of blend that is so sugared down and flavorized (word? I think not) that it won't even really maintain most of the properties of coffee, since I'm kind of a whimp about that stuff. Not to mention (and I just realized this now) coffee taste.. kind of memory triggering.

If this blog was a movie - things would kind of get blurry/fuzzy now and some harp music would be playing as we fade into some fairly typical and cliched black and white version of a memory of mine. Beautiful, really.

Went to NHS meeting today - realized that I'm going to have to do some serious bullshitting/life changing to get in. They only accept leaders? Fuck. Hah, not to mention they want volunteers as well.. guess what I'll be doing this summer? Except realistically, I probably won't be. And instead, I'll save it all until the fall where I will force everything together and up and join Mountaineer Volunteers and start the resume packing. Looking forward to that.

My dad told me today that when we go to the Cape for a week in July I can bring a friend. This situation would be much easier if anyone would be able to go or want to go or simply there was someone who'd go.

I managed to write basically the entire 13 page English story yesterday and can I tell you what helped? Listening to the Atonement soundtrack! I know, I know, amazing. You have no idea how perfect, how glorious it was - it's all gorgeous classical music and it just... I don't even know, five hours flew by so quickly and it was super easy to express words, and feelings, and it was completely brilliant. If anyone that reads this has a recommendation for classical music equally perfect, do share. Though, seeing as I'm pretty sure no one does and those "27 Page Views" are all me, I'm not expecting much.

Today I got my year long honors bio project back which turned out much better than I expected, AND I worked on my painting for art which has... improved, I guess, which is good. Not to mention, I came home to an empty house today and I love, love, love doing that more than anything. I can't wait to live on my own. Not that I don't love my family or anything, but it's such a liberating feeling to imagine living on your own, though I suppose that's probably far from the truth! I dunno. really, I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

Oh. Three days until one month of nothingness. If it was actually possible for me, I think it would make for a lovely occasion to just get completely wasted and be all "fuck it all, man." Oh boy.

So today has been a very difficult and trying day for my father. My brother's team lost their play-off game and he had to put away the dishes. This has put him in a very bad mood and he is no longer talking to anyone in my family. Instead he is just sitting at his laptop probably looking at soccer stats or else playing runescape, and blasting some violent movie in the living room - making that a kind of "no go" warzone.

Did I mention my father is 12? Did I mention I find this hilarious and also pathetic?

I'm NEVER growing up to be like him.

Goodness. I bought fake Ray Ban Wayfarers from Target today and instantly my cool rating shot up at least twenty percent.

Life is good. Or maybe just momentarily.

Today, apparently, I'm going to something that sounds like it is along the lines of a tea party. My mom was invited and she feels weird about going, so she is dragging me along as well. Excellent.. (not at all)

But then she promises to take me shopping afterward, and that actually is enjoyable. Partially because I am a mindless teenage girl that can truly be made happy through materialistic possessions, but also because I'm in desperate need for summer clothes. As I have ranted about before.

Now I have two songs on constant repeat, one is the air traffic song that I mentioned the other day, and the other is sea legs - by the shins. The only reason I feel the need to mention this is because I'm completely unoriginal when it comes to deciding what to write about here, and also because I'm always always listening to music while I'm on the computer. And I'm on the computer A LOT, actually a bit too much but shh..

Yesterday I spent a solid hour on omegle - talking to strangers. It's kind of fun if you overlook the really sketchy, intimidating part to it. Basically it's this chat room and you're set up talking to a random person from potentially anywhere in the world, and every now and then you end up talking to someone really cool. The only downside is sometimes the thing will disconnect you from the person at a random time and you're just kind of left off, without any sense of closure after talking with this person for an hour or so. So dearest Eddie, somewhere out in Virginia, it was very nice talking to you.. ha.

I've accomplished very little so far today. I have to write an entire 10-15 page paper for english.. which I should probably begin to start! Well, I have a page and a half all done but I don't really know what I'm doing with the plot after that. I can never write short stories, I always just get started with long stories and then just give up after a while and say i'm "leaving the ending up for interpretation" when in reality I'm just too lazy, and give up easily.

The only thing I've really done of slight importance today was go through my AP English work for the summer. It's.. intimidating, that's for sure! Despite the fact that it is clearly going to be massively time consuming I KNOW I'm going to end up saving it for the last week of summer. I'm a genius.

Well, I'm going to try and make a dent in my English work right now, when realistically I'll barely even look at it. Wish me luck!

I love it when it rains like this. It's warm outside and it's pouring and I absolutely adore it.

During warm rain I always have this urge to just go outside and lay out in it, and just kind of let things happen until I just melt away.. yet I never can due to things I have to do (i.e. school, like now) and my lack of desire to try and explain what I'm doing to people who would eventually notice (i.e. the fam).

Also, I just noticed this, the trash can in my room only goes through various stages of full. Never, for extending lengths of time, do I ever allow it to remain empty, it just gets to a point of overflowing onto the floor - I empty it - and less than twenty four hours later it will be completely full again. But, I will let it remain completely full for weeks on end until the same vicious cycle starts all over again. Funny.

Well good morning anyway.. only two more weeks of getting up at this ridiculous time. Two more weeks..

I just took another massive nap again - bringing my sleep count to about seventeen hours. I'd say that justifies missing school today.

How dramatic was that last blog? I can't even find the words to try and explain, so I won't.

Yesterday was the class trip to the Bronx Zoo, where I was reminded of the phrase "two is company, three is a crowd." Basically, I'd say, this manages to define my life. Though, I shouldn't be surprised at all about this - because I set myself up for this. I cannot stand the closeness required to have one, definitive best friend. Knowing someone out there could know practically everything I'm thinking, wanting, feeling due to our closeness is frightening. I like the presence of others, but just can't comprehend that closeness as a constant or anything. But anyway, even though I know how I operate and how I couldn't psychically handle having one best friend, I still kind of long for that at the same time.. if that makes any sense? But, I guess, everyone wants what they can't have.

Currently I'm listening to "Empty Space" by Air Traffic, on constant loop. It sums up how I feel presently, lyrically and on the level of sound as well. I love when there's something that you could just listen to again and again for days on end, I usually end up ruining things for myself doing that - but there are somethings so definite they cannot be tainted. Such as the entirety of Ok Computer. I listened to that CD on loop four times on the four hour bus ride home yesterday with volume on max. That's the only way I feel like I can be.. close to the music, if it's pounding in my head and just kind of overwhelming my being. It makes me stop thinking almost, and I love it. I think way too much, and to just kind of switch that off is too perfect.

I should be in school right now, English to be exact. But I've been so exhausted lately, and convinced my parents to let me stay home. I slept for a solid thirteen and a half hours, which was really wonderful. Now I've just kind of been in a floaty, barely present existence. Mentally I'm elsewhere, just physically going through the daily motions.. however, following with those typical motions is the need for lunch.

Until next time..

I'm kind of a train wreck. I don't even know. Stress.

This has easily been one of the longest days in a while. If you were dying to know - playing the sick card did not work to my advantage. In fact, I had to do absolutely everything I was dreading despite "a killer headache" and running on about "an hour of sleep.. tops" Maybe I AM too old for this.. shit, that's a problem. So what was I avoiding on this beautiful day? A soccer game and my cousin's graduation party. It might not seem too bad, and actually that would be a correct assumption - I just build things up in my head to be so much worse than they are in reality. A prime example of that being gym class.. which I have last tomorrow..

But anyway, my soccer game was surprisingly better than I thought it would be. I was planning on getting annihilated but it ended up tied at 0-0, and I got to play a lot too.. not bad. My cousin's graduation party was basically as long and as boring as I anticipated it to be, seeing as I have no relationship with any of my relatives on my mom's side of the family.. but the food was good. And honestly, the food alone saved it from being a miserable experience for me, which is kind of pathetic in retrospect..

Presently I'm listening to the entirety of Day & Age, since I just downloaded it this morning and it's kind of been something I've been meaning to do for awhile. But it was crazy, I'm pretty sure there is some individual or group of individuals out there reporting every illegal upload of the CD to try and prevent people from downloading it. I had to get it from a French site which was kind of a hassle, but whatever, I have it now, all is good.

Man, just talking about my own day is kind of boring me.. but this has become my means of procrastinating from doing any homework, so I don't want it to end. Yeah, school's tomorrow.. ten normal days left plus five days of finals. I can definitely survive it but really.. any effort on my part is starting to seem more and more unlikely. This later part of the year has really exhausted me and I'm completely ready for it to be over, as I have said.

Wow. Mindless bitchings about school again. It really is time to end. By the way though, I'm not especially impressed by Day & Age presently. Not bad, but definitely nowhere near Hot Fuss, or Sam's Town.

Alas, so I did not get around to actually leaving my house and going shopping today. Instead I moped around for a bit, did some yard work, downloaded all the oc mixes, caught myself up on the tonight show with Conan O'Brien, and managed to avoid doing homework at all costs. Really, I surprise my self through the way in which I manage to go above and beyond my own personal expectations.

Whenever I read or hear the word "alas" I always associate the word with wisdom and intelligence sort of. Which isn't at all why I used it, but seeing it there on the computer screen reminded me. I think it's because (and this is where I get completely nerdy) I always think of Dumbledore when I see the word. Once again, for no real reason.. it's just kind of a strange mental word association. I don't really understand myself at times.

Presently, I'm sitting here in the dark in my room trying to give the impression of sleeping. I don't know why, but with only the glow of the computer screen in front of me, while in my room in the dark feels really personal and comfortable to me. A kind of questionable feeling, but I dunno.. I like it.

Music playing presently is Skyscrapers by OK GO. It's mellow, "chill" even, and calming - not really overly up beat and preppy like most their stuff is, which is why I like it so much. Actually, I really love music in general. I kind of wish I had this exquisite and wonderful music taste, but I know I like so much garbage pop-crap.. like KATY PERRY for example. I HATE to no end that I like some of her music, not the "I kissed a girl" "Ur so gay" or whatever music.. but her quiter songs that definitely aren't going to get radio play. She really is a complete attention whore and I really can't stand admitting I can actually like her music, but I'm just throwing it out there. This is a blog, I'm supposed to get personal.

Speaking of personal! Em was over today (hi, lovey!) which was truly splendid. Sometimes when I'm just with my family, I forget how much I actually love and crave for human interaction. I'm at the completely typical adolescent stage where I'm oftentimes just completely infuriated by my family for reasons that are ultimately completely selfish, I know, I know. But I love being completely alone when I'm at home, which can make me forget how much I can love spending time with people. Right, though, we spent the entire time talking and listening to music and things were just lovely. We decided we're actually going to see one another a lot this summer.. like we've been planning for the last three summers, I think. But I'm pretty sure we're going to keep it this time, we've got a pact/contract to maintain!

Just going back to the parent thing for a bit.. I kind of have this theory. The reason that teens, me included, kind of go through this rebellious, against their parents thing is when we realize that our parents aren't always right. When you realize that they can be completely wrong when they're yelling at you, and they can be completely unfair, and you realize they're not perfect - nowhere near in fact. And actually, soon these people that you've always thought of as complete superiors are put into a position where you're more of equals, and it's this realization that kind of triggers this thing. (Or atleast this is how it has gone for me) Where you realize their imperfections and you kind of hate them for it, not real hate just immense dislike.. well, regardless though, I think once you realize this you kind of want to reject them, and prove you can be better than that. However, when we grow up I think for the most part we realize that everyone we look up to like that is flawed, and grow to re-accept them again. Well, I don't know. That's been floating around in my head for awhile, and I think it's why I think the way I do.

Alright, think I'm good for now. I suppose it's time to say good night, though chances are I won't be in bed for another few others. Got a lot to do tomorrow that I don't particularly feel like doing, which is actually making me debate faking sick. Kind of childish, I know, but I guess I can only get away with it for so long, so why not use the sick card as much as I can, while I can?

Night.
xx

My goal for this upcoming summer is simple: actually maintain a blog. Why? Because my goal for this summer is to make it one of my best, and I think an important part of that will be logging it so that I can remember it for as long as I can. I know, it's completely cliche and typical.. but really, I need it to be. Not to be a complete emo, but things have been disappointing me lately, myself included, and I really just want something really amazing to happen to make up for it.

Granted, I understand that you can't plan for brilliance to happen.. it just does, but I suppose regardless of whether or not something really great can happen to me, it will still be special to have something to look back upon. Not to mention, in a completely Internet-nerdy way, I think people who blog sound so cool, and their lives sound so amazing. I know how there's the whole stereotypical douche-tastic blogger, who just loves the thought of detailing all their "complex" emotions to the faceless members of the internet in an attempt to sound so beautifully deep and powerful.. but I guess is it so wrong to want to be something like that? (Don't answer that.)

Well, this is already taking a turn in the typical direction for me. I start these things out talking about writing a blog and my thoughts on that.. then maybe update no one about my life for a while, and ultimately this entire thing fades into obscurity. Like my xanga from seventh grade, for example.. well, I actually did manage to keep that up for awhile. It's ridiculously embarrassing, as I imagine this whole thing will turn out being at some point as well.

As for the "my life" portion of this whole thing, school's nearly up and that's fine with me. The entire place has become monotonous and tiresome, I mean I know that's typically high school for you.. but I can't handle it much more. I have zero desire to learn anymore and it seems as if the teachers at this point have zero desire to teach. Well, some of them have blatantly had that feeling since the beginning of the year.. but it's showing in even the best of them now.

Next year I'm going to be a junior. Finally. Just from my own personal impression, it doesn't (Is that right? Spell check is underlining it even though I'm fairly positive it's correct.. but now it just looks weird) seem like you really become a part of the whole Wachusett scene until you become a part of the upper house. Freshman year is just awkward, and sophomore year seems just spent in anticipation of junior and senior year. Though I suppose, reminiscing on this past year, it hasn't (okay, well apparently firefox spell check has a problem with all contractions.. is that the right word?) been all to bad. I've definitely changed, thankfully. My mum was looking at a picture of me from the beginning of the year, and she was completely convinced the picture was from two years ago instead of just a spattering of months ago. Though.. it's not only appearence-wise that I've changed. I want to say I grew older mentally.. I mean this is adolescence so it's likely to happen, but maybe I've just become more expressive? I definitely talk to people a lot more than I did last year, and now people in general tend to intimidate me less. Wow, awkward.. but yeah, for the most part I suppose I've changed for the better. Though even at this point I'm still questioning whether I really believe the whole "loved and lost.." thing. I almost think I would've been better off without it all, actually I'm fairly positive I would've been. Much less stress, much less wasted time. Ugh, exhausting.

So onto today. I really want to go shopping for summer clothes, but knowing me and my life.. it seems likely I'm going to stay here all day, moping, listening to music, watching The Soup from last night. Sweet life. Maybe I'll consider doing homework, only to completely avoid it at all costs by wasting time looking at my phone, waiting for you to call so that I can ignore you. Awesome.