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At about two thirty this morning I was having problems sleeping, and apparently decided to write down a bunch of things I thought would be interesting to blog about. Most of these genius topics are illegible, but I can make out a few things.. like the two additional summer-or-lifetime goals for myself. Number one is to stay up all night one night, and to watch the sunset and sunrise. I've never actually stayed up all night. I've tried so many times but usually end up crashing at about four in the morning, due to sheer exhaustion as well as a loss of things to think/talk about. Though.. I can't really imagine running out of things to say lately - too many thoughts. My number two goal is.. well, kind of personal, which is why I'm partially publicizing it (yeah, the thought process is slightly flawed). Basically this.. thing.. that's been bothering me for the past two months now.. yeah, I need to get over it. I broke a promise to myself yesterday and sent a stupid, miserable, piteous (my official "intelligent" word of the blog) text, that I can only express extreme regret about now. I hate those things, they're so permanent.. watching the pixel image of a letter disappear into the animated envelope is basically watching your fate slip out of your own hands .. and this makes me feel completely helpless.


I also wrote down the question "Do you ever do things solely for the sake of making a memory?" Well, I know I do. There are certain things I'll say sometimes just because they sound straight out of a movie. Because in my mind movies are almost recreations of an ideal world, so by saying these things I too become perfect like they are. Though I don't always do things like that for my own personal benefit.. cue stupid story here. My brother hates corn, and seeing as the meals this family consumes are on a constant rotation of maybe four different meals, corn is frequently a primary feature. Anyways, every once in awhile there will come to be this time where he's not allowed to leave the table until he's finished eating. And every single time this happens I go over to the table, scoop up all his corn, and stealthily throw it out for him. Why? It's not even necessarily because I take pity on him as much as it is, that when he's older I want him to be able to reminisce about how I was as a sister, and the things like that, that I did for him. Kind of weird, I know.

Another question I wrote down was "why can't we recollect pain?" I mean, close your eyes and try to imagine your happiest memory, or your saddest. Doing so almost re-invokes similar emotions within you, maybe not heightened to the extent that they were at that specific point in your life, but still.. recreated. Is it simply because these are emotional feelings as opposed to physical that we are able to remember them? You can remember how you were feeling emotionally in regards to the actual pain, but never the pain itself. Our emotional mind extends well beyond the physical, which is funny.. because the physical part almost always seems to be the part that matters most.. I think I was thinking about the book The Giver at the point where Jonas was re-living a memory that allowed him to experience pain within a society that had never truly experienced such a thing. And well.. I don't know, it seemed logical when my mind was at end.

Yesterday was actually a really amazing time. My friend and I went driving all around the area for a solid two hours. If we didn't know where I road led, we drove down it. It was hysterical, and equally frightening, as our vision was almost completely cut off by the massive blanket of fog, that smothered the entire town. We didn't even necessarily say much that was memorable, rather, the most memorable part laughing without even having a reason to.

I was thinking about songs for the moment last night too, and couldn't decide between Despair in the Departure Lounge and Old Yellow Bricks by the Arctic Monkeys. They seem relevant now.