eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

yeaaaah.. MOST!

I'm such a hypocrite but whatever- I'm happy.

i would like to be in washington dc on october 30th. waaaah.

I like to pretend I know shit so I can advise other people on their shit, but in reality its all just bullshyt.

arararararrarrraaaaaaaar

This guy on chatroulette just told me he wanted to light me on a fire.. so now I'm on blogger.

I really like watching people on facebook handle the whole college situation. One of either two things happens though. Option numero uno: the person becomes acclimated to college in a day and is already immersed within the whole college experience- lovin life, making friends and shyt. While on the other hand, there's option number deux which terrifies me. The people falling under this category are clearly feeling isolated, spend all their time on facebook updating statuses in search of sympathy/friendship and worst of all they're longing to come back home and Wachusett. I can't even comprehend that. In my head college is this great ~magical~ escape and to find that some people can't figure it all out makes me worried.

I feel like I have more to say but I can't think of anything. And by that I mean I just can't think of anything original enough worth saying.

Time rolls on.

Something about being back at Wachusett just makes me so sad.

School is still 22 days away and already feel like I've grown out of Wachusett. Woo-hoo.

Let's play a game, blog. It's called Castaway. You can play the role of Wilson and I'll play the role I was born to play: Tom Hanks.

Except.. I don't want to loose you in the water like in the movie, because that would mean all the potential things I always intend to post on here but never do would be totally gone, and I couldn't deal with my only intentions of honest whining disappearing forever. Shit, I'm in a terribly bitter mood. Did I do something wrong?

Wahtevaaaa. I don't care, I don't care about dat shyt cause I'm mad tough, yo'. Plus who needs people when I have you, Wilson.

You know what my favorite word is? It's fuck. How rebellious of me, amiright? No but seriously- I love it. I feel like whenever you use that word there's always so much passion in it, you know? Like.. the word is alive or something. You never passively use a fuck, it's a word you intentionally put down to make a point - even if that point is something like how casual you can be in dropping an f-bomb like no othaa. But anyway, I like it. There's so much fear, so much aggression, so much.. energy. and no other word is like it. I mean seriously, I can't think of a single word that has so much to it.. although I wish there were others like it.. or at least I kind of just want to make one up with someone.. Argh. You're a shitty conversationalist Wilson.

Music sounds its best in a car. In my van the bass is set on as high as it gets, and there's something undeniably incredible about driving through a dark oblivion and listening to incredibly loud, heart thumping, its-like-youre-at-a-concert-esque music. I started a playlist today called aggressive driving and I'm actually going to make this one into a CD. Not like those other CDs I make for hypothetical people, then listen to waaaay too much until I get to the point where I hate the music and no one else ever knows the CD existed. But seriously, this will be a CD to get pulled over to, it'll be sahweet.

Oh. You know what's weird, Wilson? Emotions. Hahah. Except seriously. I was thinking about the way I try to have myself be perceived emotionally and I realized above all I try to make people pity me.. and I don't really know why. Is that just a teenage thing? My self-psycho-analysis basically leads me to conclude that it's kind of an attention issue. If you're pitied there's this level of personal sympathy and a.. connection, I guess? And it's a connection of only the lightest, purest intentions - and maybe I'm just drawn to that? I don't know, I'm irritated with myself right now.

Idk what the fuck this is supposed to be.

Oh hey. It's one in the a-m and I was just laying in bed thinking about which color I think is the safest when I decided to get up and blog about it since I haven't been on this in a while and.. yeah. I'm basically detailing an entire thought process here..

So basically I'm pretty sure the safest color is orange. But I mean, first of all, I'd like to express how bad I feel for the color. Half the time it's not even treated like a legitimate part of the rainbow. Let's be serious - if a person says their favorite color is orange you can't help but judge. I, personally, get that way about people who says their favorite color is red too. The entire thought process goes: "Hold up. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. That color is hella obnoxious, you clearly are seeking attention for how you've managed to separate yourself from every other person out there who says blue is their fave, OR you are straight up crazy." You know what even adds to that? The fact that color like-age kind of comes from object association. So a person likes blue - that must be from some attachment to the sky or water or some shyt. Cool. Respectable. If your favorite is green- you're clearly very in touch with nature, damn - good for you. OH SHI- you like grey? Muthafucka you like stormy skies and the foggy oblivion? Brah, you mad deep yo'. If yellows your thing, sunshine and lemonade and all that sort of summery goodness it is. But when someone says they like orange its like, oh sweet.. oranges and traffic cones, yeah.. love them.

BUT ANYWAY. YOU MIGHT STILL BE WONDERING: WHY IS ORANGE THE SAFEST COLOR? Well, I'm glad you asked. Of all the artificial flavors orange will never, NEVER let you down. With all the other colors and fake flavors made to mimic real flavors but still setting an artificial flavor standard that all other attempts at imitating the original substance tend to follow, there's this margin of error where shit gets nasty. Once you start leaking into the banana and blue raspberry, the strawberry chunks and the true grape everything holds the possibility of tasting like shit. HOWEVER regardless of what you're eating, be it a popsicle, a drink, a candy.. basically anything that comes in flavors, you know you can always trust orange.

Yet flavor isn't the only thing about the color though that makes it so perf. Whenever I'm driving and I notice those orange speed limit signs I go "LOL. OKAY. THANKS FAKE SIGN." Seriously, there's no point for their entire existence. They are a suggested speed, and if I'm not going to get pulled over for breaking them than I obvi don't care. But the fact that they're there means a lot to me. It means that someone was legitimately looking out for the pussy driver out there: frightened by a shocking turn or left dazed by the complexities of the road, and that someone said "here's an excuse! use me as a crutch!" So sweet. So comforting. Thank you friendly road-sign man (or woman).

Lastly, the security of orange lies in childhood association for me personally. Let's all take a journey back to the fall of third grade for a moment for the U-10 soccer season. Now that shit was serious. You were playing 8 vs. 8 and all of a sudden your best friends were your worst enemies, and there would be that rotation of goalies throughout the team in which your three foot self would stand cowering in the net that was easily twice your size. You would run your ass off during those "ten minute" quarters, which we all actually knew were more like 90 minutes, since hey- this was town soccer: this was seriously professional shit. But anyway, one of the most easily/fondly recalled emotions of that era was the point during halftime when someone would bring out the oranges. Instant relief would just encompass your dehydrated/dying self and it would be like a gatorade commercial up on the sidelines as you were basically sweating all the colors of the rainbow, while enjoying the sweet, invigorating bliss those oranges provided. And it was because of those oranges that you could basically take the world; suddenly ten more minutes of mostly standing around and occasionally actually running seemed bearable, because now you could do anything- you were the goddamn batman.

.. and I think that's it. I literally have no more thoughts on the color - other than it's interesting that the Publish Post button on here is orange. If you find security in another color, feel free to share it ~*~*here~*~*~

I love books that make me cry. Especially in considering that something so.. not tangible can prove so beautiful that all you want to do is weep about it because you know you won't be able to appreciate it or see it the same way ever again.

eyedeekay..

I just watched Heathers for the first time and I can't think of a single movie I've said "what the fuck?" more often to.

This heat wave has been interesting.. I wonder if people act in accordance to the weather subconsciously or, rather, in full regard of its figurative implications. On a related note: I can't tell if I miss winter - I think a lot less when I'm cold.

Blogger goes through phases. Right now this lull is equivalent to last summer's: "I refuse to conform my blog to fit the expectations that have been unspokenly placed on it. I reject this!" phase.

In other news, I went to a car show today in Worcester - obviously because I have a huge passion for automobiles. While I was there I saw a grand total of six confederate flags, eleven mullets, and two people too fat to walk on their own. I was texting Erin about this the entire time and it helped me stay on task. But no joke.. confederate flags.. really? The entire time I was like "DIS IS MASSACHUSETTS. SRSLY YOU GUYZ, SERIOUSLY?" There was also this guy I saw who had this extreme farmers tan, a porn stache, and a shaved head except for a long ponytail in the back. I tried to snipe a picture of him as I was watching cars burn-out but for some reason the RAZR let me down. Maybe that has something to do with its prime being in the earlier 2000s..? Regardless, it was disappointing because I would've loved to showcase him here. Also. I do not understand what is especially fascinating about watching twenty cars spin their tires so much that they pop and massive amounts of smoke kicks up.. Yet for some reason that's what I spent probably a solid hour and a half of my day doing, along with hundreds of hicks and inbreds. Wait, I'm not judging.

Anyway, on a related note: woohoo. Happy fourth. GOD BLESS UHMERICA.

I've been physically willing something exciting to happen to me so I can blog about it.. and I'm still waiting.

Lately I've been in a tremendously bad mood. And not even so much in the emo, piece-of-shit sense, but more or less outright cruel. I think it's my way of preoccupying myself from severe levels of boredom because I do it a lot. Like right now I'm being a severe asshole. Seriously, any time I attempt to talk to someone I end up giving smarmy remarks and just continually tooling on people just for the sake of it. And the thing is, I could stop acting so ridiculously in an instant.. and I can do that with a lot of feelings too. Like whenever I'm crying really hard, or laughing really crazily I can simply stop any emotion in an instant, no matter how overwhelmed I may have seemed before. The whole thing really makes me feel in control, and like nothing on the outside can effect me because I can change my reaction to it no problem and come off completely untouched. And it's just like I'm acting all the time because I'm in total personal control, but at the same time I'm not, and can let everything else guide how I'm feeling until I suddenly become internally conscious against everything that was building up before, and was getting bigger and bigger and becoming even more and more real and growing and continuing and moving until it just STOPS.

After hour seven of my 30 Rock marathon yesterday I realized I already hated summer. This is a problem. I'm preemptively stressed about things that don't exist simply because I'm used to feeling constantly in a frenzy. I spent the entirety of Monday on collegeprowler trying to narrow down my list of schools and I'm still at 30. My free reading pile is growing insignificant in comparison to my school pile. I need a job. I got a questionable haircut yesterday. I'm avoiding facebook now to try and put off responding to an awkward message. All I do with my days is eat. And did I mention I really need a job?

..Back to 30 Rock.

Today an application from Harvard arrived in the mail. No one in my fam sent out for it or anything so my parents have basically not stopped shitting their pants over it.

"REBEKAH, DO YOU REALIZE THAT NOT EVERYONE RECEIVES THIS?!?!"
"REBEKAH, YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU GO THERE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE. ANYTHING."
"REBEKAH.. HARVARD FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR ACADEMICS! THIS IS WONDERFUL."

Fuck me. I'm sure that every member of the board of admissions at Harvard is pissing himself right now in anticipation of my response. Seriously. I cannot wait for a summer of college tours with these people. In fact, I cannot wait for a summer of increasing isolation mixed with a shoddy sense of self-confidence all rolling together to produce my alter-ego Emo Bitch 2.0 - a whining mess of a wench in the preemptive stages of becoming a crazy cat or pigeon lady. I haven't yet decided which I prefer. Cat seems like the obvious decision, but something about Home Alone 2 made the thought of just living in a random music hall prime. Plus, those pigeons were at her beck and call. If she wanted to mess someone up, you can bet your ass she would send those pigeons after them and they would fuck shyt up.

I'm really afraid of the summer.. like more afraid than I am of finals or rabid dogs or things touching my eyes. The entire problem lies within the fact that the concept of summer holds so much potential, and every year I'm like "OH SHIII SUMMER OF FRESHMAN/SOPHOMORE/JUNIOR/SENIOR YEAR. THIS IS THE BIG ONE.." aaand then nothing happens. And what we end up with is this gaping black hole of dissapointedness. Now that I think about it, this sort of thing occurs all the time - like holidays. Come on, Christmas, Birthdays, Halloween, New Years, etc. = all huge examples of annual disappointments.. yet, they last a day so it's easy to forget the wreck that they are and, instead, just gloss over to their perfect facade. On the other hand, though, with summer.. that's a solid 60 days of just total baloney (bologna? whaaa) that you have to just straight up deal with..

But anyway.. sUmMaH tEnZiEz, let's gooo.. <3>

Can't melt, gotta freeeze.

as soon as school is over I just want to pack up and spend a week camping somewhere with anyone and not have to care about a single thing because everything is stressful and nothing is everything and i don't think i'm going to bother ending sentences in this because there are no periods or commas or exclamation points in my head everything is this endless stream of constant thought and none of it really makes any sense because i cant edit what im thinking - theres no time its just infinite and it keeps going and going even when i regret some of it and by some of it i mean most of it because then i just act all embarassed that i had some thought in the first place and errthing gets all wonky because i think some outer being has a sort of sense of my consciousness but it doesnt and i cant really tell if i actually want there to be something or not since on one hand its nice to think im not alone up in this mess but on the other hand if something else was there that would mean it was privy to the same mess that i like to think doesnt exist thats right im calm cool and collected and i never am confused and im always happy and everythings wonderful and there is absolutely nothing to overanalyze and no immediate conclusions to jump to because everything is easy to interpret and so am i i think i want to listen to some music and sleep or just disappear for a little while or something if it was ever possible for a song to swallow you whole id want it to be a bon iver song because seriously that song would cradle and love you like a fucking baby and everything would be this light blue shade of yellow which doesnt even make any sense e but i dont care because im not stopping any of this although at the same time i am cheeeers i forgot how isolating the summer could feel in my head its just a blur of beaches friends and heat but i feel like thats never really the case for anyone summer is kind of a blackhole where any social confidence you once had submerges itself in the ocean and drowns in the salty sweaty mix that leaves you green and leafy along the side of some beach and its just the sandy remnants that get under your nails when you scratch your head that youll remember i think i started blogging around this time last year and i was convinced i was going to last while i was doing it and that i was actually going to commit to something whatta joke i dont like commitment or just giving yourself into something else in the sense that commitment suggests because really nothing is eternal things come and go and if it were a movie youd be just standing there on screen in the middle and the background would be going at hyperspeed as youd watch the sun and moon roll around and chase eachother in the sky and faceless people would walk in circles around you and the landscape itself would change and youd just stand there eyes closed in the very middle completely unaware of everything around you but nevertheless unchanged although i guess that would sort of be wrong because sometimes i think im sort of like a chameleon and depending on who and what im with is what i am and i kind of just wonder if the one who's really me is the one that ends up spending twenty hours of the day sleeping and the other four watching vicky christina barcelona and having her mom ask her if shes watching porn because the woman chooses to come in during the one part where everyones kissing eachother i think its stupid she thought it was porn because it was beautiful and elegant and so not grimy and fake and ridiculous and whatever i dont even think i can follow all of this by myself so if anyone actually sifts through this i congratulate them with a great big congratulations i think ive decided the bon iver song id be its creature fear even though i like them all if i was really really happy right now i think id want to be the magic position by patrick wolf because i like that song it makes me smile no matta what and speaking of happy i wish happiness and my phone were not intertwined when i hear it vibrating in the background im immediately elated because its like this buzzer that goes off that says someone is thinking about you and wants to talk to you but then the deafening silence ends up being this major fuck you to myself and it annoys me and then i end up moping around my house eating i really want to go for a drive right now and i want to drive with no direction or place in mind and i just want to follow random paths and end up in random places and meet random people and love random strangers and then leave it all behind because it doesnt matter and its just history and once history has come and gone there is no personal investment just this sense of objectivity who cares however many people died on whatever day on history because the ends of now justifies the means whatever they might be which is why its okay that there can be all these issues now because they just make you into whatever youre supposed to be in the future but the future isnt even something tangible i kind of think the future doesnt exist everything is just different instances of now aka the present and everything is just relative to this very moment or this one or the next one in a few moments from now but moment really doesnt have any definition because a moment can be anything you want it to be baby i really just want to lay down with someone and talk all throughout the night and just say whatever is in my head and hear whatevers in theirs and not stop but no one really cares that much about anyone thats why things like fromspring are such a joke no one cares that much about you to ask you a million questions like that because no one is as great as they think they are and people just want to answer questions in an attempt to prove contrary to that fact

shytt i dunno.

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS

This picture has absolutely no relevance to anything, other than as an acknowledgment to my own douche-tasticness.

I've been trying for a solid twenty minutes to think of something worthwhile to say now.. but all I can come up with is a LIFE shout out to Andrew Costa. Hopefully that's his first name? Anyway.. generally, I'm a firm believer that Freshman Seminar is a massive waste of time. In fact, the suck-it-up-and-figure-it-out-for-yourself,-kiddo methodology is actually a part of my life philosophy.. but that's irrelevant. The reason behind this expression of gratitude is because that man did manage to change my life, in a way that I'm certain I'll never forget. He taught me how to get rid of the hiccups. That's right. The eternal wisdom behind convincing yourself you don't have the hiccups - even when you do, will forever have a massive influence on me. Not even kidding. Hollaa.

There are things that I should explain.. but it's just better to forget and skip all of that closure shit - that's not real, things never work out that easily.

Cool story, bro.

ANYWAY - HEY indie kid, this is for you:
http://blalocksirp.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=407&Itemid=7

Also. Marina & the Diamonds - The Family Jewels is a fucking ace CD. Just saying.

It was terrible watching you from across the cafeteria today. The way you stared intently at your book, not looking up even for a second when people shouted your way or hilariously decided to bump a trashcan into you. No. Instead you focused on reading with a level of devotion unseen before. So focused you were trembling, so focused on the meaningless words in front of you, you forgot to turn the page. I know you didn't want anyone to notice that, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't move to talk with you, I'm sorry I didn't have the courage. I'm sorry that I figured a simple, meaningless conversation would provide more stress for me than relief for you. Granted, maybe it would've. Maybe you were happier in your attempts at immersing yourself within the book. Maybe things were better off outside that cafeteria, as you left behind the people, the noise, and the chaos. You left behind pleading cries for attention, and the unwinding need for every single person in there to be recognized as a special snowflake. To be loved, to be cherished, to be noticed. Perhaps you were fortunate enough to have left that behind and instead you were a part of some alternate universe where rather than being painfully involved in this life, you were an onlooker in another. With no deep connection, no direct involvement - no love, no loss, no pain. It's much easier that way.. and to an extent, I hope that's exactly where you were, because I wish we could realize that all of this isn't worth all that we put into it. I don't really mean that in a depressed way as much as me thinking that agonizing over life isn't really worth it. Staring at some flashing line in front of an empty white page on a computer screen, while desperately searching for the right words to describe some sense of helplessness isn't necessarily worth it if, ultimately, it'll only amount to nothing. Therein, fumbling over the words to add some hollow conversation shouldn't be a problem, and neither should have standing up and walking over to you in the first place been.

I think somewhere in there I contradicted myself.

I like being so close to people you can feel their heartbeat.. That's when you take two living entities and bring them together in such a way the literal, physical life within them is close enough to have a feeling. And it's the realest feeling in the world, as you take the lonely and bring them together in such away that makes the sense isolation - although only temporarily - disappear. The reason I'm saying this is because I'm fairly certain I've never met anyone who could honestly tell me they were genuinely happy with their lives. And I just feel like if we could, at the very least, recognize this within each other, then maybe we'd be closer to somehow bettering that.

How cathartic..

I wasn't just watching you in the cafeteria today, because there's more to it than that. Because it wasn't just you sitting there with eyes glazed over and a resilient focus set on escaping. Not only you trying heartily to ignore the faces and the voices around you and break free towards something bigger and better than this. You sure as hell weren't alone there.

Everything is just

fine and dandy.. for everyone, everywhere.

At this point I'd just like to point out a personal landmark achievement I've just reached: Facebook has just suggested that I switch my language to English (UK). Yeus. I thiunk I wiull.

Old - I know. But this is a poetic interpretation about my feelings regarding tonight. Well, minus the distraction part.. although the sentiment still remains the same. Emphasis especially after about 35 seconds.

I opened up my e-mail this morning to find this gem. IDEK. I LOLED.

Last night I had a dream I was married to Jason Mraz. It was nice at first, but then after a while I got sick of our marriage because all he would do was serenade me. Which was weird.. but in my post-remembered-dream analysis I decided he was like that because his singing career was the only extent to which he existed within my mind. It's really along the same lines as not being able to imagine your teacher's existence outside of school. Although, I shouldn't just limit that statement to teachers because I do have consistent ideas about everyone. Awkward, cool, too cool, perfect, annoying, cold, smooth, terrible, pathetic, stupid.. and it's all just me stifling people within my own mind. It's something I know that I'll eventually stop doing, it's something that will come to an end with some massive turning point in my life. But I'm still waiting for that turning point. And even though all sorts of things have happened in my life so far that I never could've imagined earlier, I still am just looking for that one moment that will change everything.. or at least have some sense of permanence. For now at least: consistent regression.

I curse like a sailor. If I'm not saying any of it out loud, it's because I'm censoring it. Which is actually sort of funny since it's the closest I can get to any form of rebelliousness.

Realizations so far this week:

• This limbo between adolescence and adulthood is somehow overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. A part of me finds this rapid transition between today and yesterday, the start and end of semester, and even the beginning and end of high school as a terrifying concept. Everything and everyone is static and any comfort found in a sense of consistency is lost. Though, at the same time, I think the spontaneity of life is the best part and maybe the benefit of exposing some sense of vulnerability outweighs any idea of protected relief.
• I love movies. My Netflix Queue is at 100+ and recommendations would be bitchin. My taste ranges from Tron to North by Northwest.. which basically translates to me having no sense of personalized taste. Give me anything.
  
• Drawing is not like riding a bike. You can forget it and you might end up just painting useless ink-water pictures for the remainder of class if you're not careful.
  
• I'm not sure what I fear more: actually committing to an idea or thinking of the idea in the first place.
  
• Random, solitary DPs to faux lesbian Russian pop duos are, without a doubt, the greatest stress relieving activity I can even think of. I can no longer comprehend why I once though that dancing awkwardly during the school day was something embarrassing.
  
• I spend a lot more time thinking of the random, inexplicable things I could do throughout the school day than I do actually committing things to action. The moments where I'm quiet and just staring are when I'm thinking about jumping off the ledge in the cafeteria or taking off my shoes and simply walking barefoot throughout the halls.
  

I have nothing worthwhile to say.

I need to sort my life out. Seriously.

I'm a terrible person. I like the impossible more than I like reality itself. I can't even appreciate the good because I'm too wrapped in my own tiny little world where everything I do is CLEARLY the right thing and anyone else who intrudes on this excellence is not worth my time. I'm indecisive, lazy, irritable, jealous, and I have this superiority complex that exceeds comprehension considering the way I usually act. I'm god-awful and just.. ghj;sdjh4n

Nothing appears to be my fault when everything actually is, I'm just too self-centered to notice. I'm pretty sure that if I just curl up small enough there's a point where I can actually just be completely insignificant. Everything's relative, right? In the grand scheme of things all of whatever I'm thinking is less important than what I actually do. Actions speak louder than words, AMIRITE AMIRITE?

There's a point in this Franz Ferdinand song Lucid Dreams that is almost purely synth with a little bit of drums.. and I'd say it sums up pretty well how I'm feeling right now.

I'm in love with an idea and nothing more.