?

Today was weird. I walked into school and felt like almost collapsing in the middle of the halls. My body was almost convulsing or something from the inside, and I held my arm out in front of me and watched it move up and down against my will in a sort of overly dramatic sense. It was something sort of like complete exhaustion or fatigue.. but not entirely. To say the least though, it was surreal and I just needed any mass assortment of pills or the like.. I'm better now. I think.

I've yet to decide what I really think about this school year. I feel like I'm endlessly behind everyone else and it's kind of like those nightmares where you keep running and running from something, only to find you've gone nowhere. Done nothing. Accomplished nil.

My grades aren't as good as they've been before and I can't stand it. Literally I cannot physically take it. This is the most important years and I'm already fucking it up with laziness and overall sheer stupidity. Oh. And over-confidence. I'm consistently comparing myself to other people because apparently I need some sense of superiority, and for the first real time I'm realizing how much better SO many other people are than me in the only thing I can do really well in.. school. And it's just stressful, and overwhelming, and I can't believe we're only, what, 25 days into this huge mess and I'm already crumbling under this pressure. THIS pressure, which can barely even constitute as such a thing. I can't handle not meeting my own expectations and it's just ripping me to pieces. And arghgjd;sgs.

Everything's just rushing at me all at once. The concept of actually taking the SATs.. which I should have signed up for on Saturday. I need to volunteer because that's the only way I have even a fighting chance for getting into NHS, although I probably won't since I have - what? A solid 1/2 an hour of volunteer work? Not to mention I'm not going to be this straight A-student anymore.. and it just sucks. It just fucking sucks as I'm watching the only thing I could ever possibly be noticed for disappearing and turning to dust. I don't even know. Plus college? I mean.. I have no job, nothing for extracurriculars, I have nothing special about me to stand out. I can't play a sport, an instrument, I can't even make friends properly, nevermind make it into some amazing school. I can't even get my act together enough to sign up for drive times because, in addition to not being able to excel in school, I can't even excel in driving. My one chance at any true liberation from this family who are appalled by the idea of one of my friend's parents actually ENCOURAGING her to go on a date with an actual boy, and who remind me of my every mistake in school ("Really, Rebekah, an 80 on that test?") and of what a remarkable brother I have and how well he does and school, and how they don't really ever remember me doing that well..

Fuck this. I don't know what's wrong with me. Honestly, a cannon ball is chained to my foot and I've been thrown overboard.