I'm just going to sleep forever. It's the same passivity but much more enjoyable.

I'm not entirely sure why I watched Mamma Mia! but if you were curious, remember the fact that that is a solid two hours of your life you will never get back. Instead, watch Zombieland.

I wish I could blog, but I really haven't had anything to say lately.

I'm pretty sure it's because I've decided I'm better off not thinking - or at least, restricting my thinking. Lately, I've been frustrated with just about everything and everyone, and have discovered if I just stop caring about it all, things are so much easier.

My weeks have basically turned into five parts school, two parts movie marathons. All I have to think about Monday through Friday is school and trying to get everything done, and basically trying to survive. Then, Saturday and Sunday I just hide out in my bedroom underneath the covers watching movies, then sleeping for a few hours before waking up, scarfing down some food, and starting the cycle all over again. I am a hermit.

I'm just completely exhausted in every sense of the word.

I'm so happy right now because I actually have something to look forward to for the next few months, rather than just simply living purely for each weekend.


Arctic Monkeys concert. December 13th. House of Blues = going to be beyond comprehension amazing.

My parents' summary of what basically all my teachers said about me tonight at parent night: "LOL. WHO?" The one stretch from that being the fact that Mrs. Ansell said I was chatty. I'm fairly certain this is the first time in the history of my education - scratch that - my life that I have EVER been characterized as chatty. I'm not sure whether to feel proud or concerned.. well, just throwing out a massive question mark there I guess.

I tried to make my parents explain to me why they would possibly want to attend parent night, seeing as the teacher's consistently say the same thing about me every year. They both dodged the question several times, and I think it's just because it is the greatest extent they ever get involved with my schooling. Chances are, though, by next week they'll have already forgotten my teacher's names and we'll just return to ordinary nothingness. Utopia.

English video: for in case you ever had the desire to see how guh-hettoo I can be.

You know your life is awesome when you characterize one of the highlights of your day as being hit on by your fourteen year old hick second cousin. Sweet life. Then when we got home and I realized all attempts at actually learning to drive were completely futile, I curled up in bed and watched Schindler's List. Presently I'm still in that puffy-eyed, running-nose, "is this real life?" state.. so I'm thinking of countering pure, raw emotion with mindlessness.. aka The Hangover or another episode of NMtB. yeaaah.

Today I was just reminded of how much I wanted to blog about the fact that Mrs. Fusco calls me Becky. The name Becky is an embodiment of everything I hate. Actually, that's a lie.. although I really do dislike the name Becky. There was a lot of really amazing evidence I was going to supply to back up my argument about the terribleness of the name, but I've forgotten it all.. and this is just for general knowledge now: I really, really don't like that name. I would probably have that name if my mum was actually named Candy instead of Julie, (seriously, those were the names it was apparently narrowed down to for my grandparents) but thankfully that didn't happen.

It's much easier to blog when you're overwhelmed by an emotion, especially considering the sheer mediocrity of everyday life.

Yesterday I went to someone's house to work on a group project for English. Basically, my entire group is filled with people who procrastinate just as much as I do - which is really not a good thing. We worked for two hours and then ended up watching the end of TDK, Shutter, Superstar, Atonement, and Juno.. then, afterward, I went home and watched Dazed and Confused. Which, made me realize how much this era sucks. The fashion, the culture, the people, the history.. all of it is absolutely astounding throughout the past century. But the 21st century? Total suckage.

And on a semi-related note history-wise.. I feel bad for Obama winning the Nobel Peace Price. I think the backlash he'll get for receiving it is going to outweigh any potential benefit it could of had. And for proof of that check some facebook statuses.. seriously, it's not as if he asked for it or anything, but yet it's calling for complete attention towards something that still really hasn't had a hell of a lot of time to develop.

Oh, so I'm going to my cousin's third birthday tomorrow, which promises to be hilarious. My aunt-through-marriage's side of the family is brilliant. Basically a majority of them are pretty much the product of inbreeding: low IQs, alcoholics, clearly lacking any intelligent reasoning. Like I said, it's brilliant, but I'm still confused as to how this family managed to exist living in New England their entire lives, rather than Mississippi.

Plan for today? Continual movie marathon. Thank you HBO.

Today was weird. I walked into school and felt like almost collapsing in the middle of the halls. My body was almost convulsing or something from the inside, and I held my arm out in front of me and watched it move up and down against my will in a sort of overly dramatic sense. It was something sort of like complete exhaustion or fatigue.. but not entirely. To say the least though, it was surreal and I just needed any mass assortment of pills or the like.. I'm better now. I think.

I've yet to decide what I really think about this school year. I feel like I'm endlessly behind everyone else and it's kind of like those nightmares where you keep running and running from something, only to find you've gone nowhere. Done nothing. Accomplished nil.

My grades aren't as good as they've been before and I can't stand it. Literally I cannot physically take it. This is the most important years and I'm already fucking it up with laziness and overall sheer stupidity. Oh. And over-confidence. I'm consistently comparing myself to other people because apparently I need some sense of superiority, and for the first real time I'm realizing how much better SO many other people are than me in the only thing I can do really well in.. school. And it's just stressful, and overwhelming, and I can't believe we're only, what, 25 days into this huge mess and I'm already crumbling under this pressure. THIS pressure, which can barely even constitute as such a thing. I can't handle not meeting my own expectations and it's just ripping me to pieces. And arghgjd;sgs.

Everything's just rushing at me all at once. The concept of actually taking the SATs.. which I should have signed up for on Saturday. I need to volunteer because that's the only way I have even a fighting chance for getting into NHS, although I probably won't since I have - what? A solid 1/2 an hour of volunteer work? Not to mention I'm not going to be this straight A-student anymore.. and it just sucks. It just fucking sucks as I'm watching the only thing I could ever possibly be noticed for disappearing and turning to dust. I don't even know. Plus college? I mean.. I have no job, nothing for extracurriculars, I have nothing special about me to stand out. I can't play a sport, an instrument, I can't even make friends properly, nevermind make it into some amazing school. I can't even get my act together enough to sign up for drive times because, in addition to not being able to excel in school, I can't even excel in driving. My one chance at any true liberation from this family who are appalled by the idea of one of my friend's parents actually ENCOURAGING her to go on a date with an actual boy, and who remind me of my every mistake in school ("Really, Rebekah, an 80 on that test?") and of what a remarkable brother I have and how well he does and school, and how they don't really ever remember me doing that well..

Fuck this. I don't know what's wrong with me. Honestly, a cannon ball is chained to my foot and I've been thrown overboard.

For school, my brother has been writing this autobiography-story-thing that all incoming seventh graders have to do. In it, there's this part requiring you to detail qualities of your siblings, and I was dying to find out what Peter wrote about me. However, he's basically one of the least emotionally responsive human beings ever, so simply asking to see it wasn't going to happen. I tried a few times to sneak into his room and read it but he flipped out, and momentarily I felt stuck, but I honestly couldn't give in. I'm older and therefore have the right to privy into any and every aspect of his life.

So.. I locked him out and broke onto his computer as he hammered on the door and ran to the kitchen to grab the screw driver and pick the lock. I opened microsoft word and speed-read this paragraph about what a nice, great, smart, and funny sister I was. It wouldn't seem like much of a big deal if you didn't know my relationship with my brother. "Fuck you, asshole" is a form of greeting to us. We consistently beat up on eachother and the taller and taller he grows forces me to watch the upper-hand completely slip away. We're so different and at the same time identical, and as he continued to try and break into the room, I exited out of the document and asked him what the name of his paper was again, because I couldn't find it.

I let him in and convinced him I hadn't read it. I guess he didn't want me to read it because he'd feel embarrassed or something, and I figured he was better off not knowing that I knew.

I like the idea of the almost sheer anonymity of an unusual public place. The fact that you can do whatever you want to do, be whoever you want to be, and know that the likelihood of anyone remembering you for it, and defining the rest of your life's existence by it, is fairly unlikely.

Sometimes I want to do things just to see people's reactions. I understand that it's just pure curiosity that is overwhelming me to find out the unknown, but it's funny knowing that the slightest decision or just a few seconds time could really answer some of the entangled mess of my own thoughts. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well.. and I'm not even entirely sure how to put it into words. It's just a powerful feeling, I suppose, knowing that I could have just random thoughts in my head answered instantly if I wanted to. I mean, because there's an infinite number of questions I could never answer about myself, but yet knowing that I could figure things out about other people almost instantly simply based on my own behavior.. own being.. I don't know.. it's nice. It's comforting.

I can't even explain this, but it sounded really good in my head at the time.. Why is everything I try to do like this? A huge, unexplainable mess, and as so, a perfect representation of my brain.

AGH! Okay. So I was watching the Party in The U.S.A. music video this morning because a bunch of people were posting online how trashy it was (and it's fucking catchy, but I'm pretending like I'm above that fact). So I'm listening to the song and my mom comes in and says "What's this song? I like it!"
Me: "Oh. It's er- the new Miley Cyrus song."
Her: "It's really, really good! I like it a lot"
Me: "Yeah.. that's the first time you've ever said that about anything I've listened to"
Her: "I know.. I don't really like your music, it's pretty bland."

So then, when we were in the car driving to soccer this morning I made this playlist in an attempt to prove how un-bland (?) my music taste was. First song: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, then she asked me to change the song. Next song, Regina Spektor, and she told me it was boring; Andrew Bird, same reaction.

I'm pretty sure I'm adopted.

I'm going to bed at eight thirty because for the first time in my high school experience I don't have any homework due tomorrow. Should I work on some stuff in advance? Probably. Will I? .. 18 minutes left and counting.