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Today has been a day involving, primarily, fear. Honestly, it's probably all I've been thinking about (other than beloved Walden, that is).

To begin with, the day started off absolutely miserably because I knew I was getting a shot. They're really not a big deal, I know that inside, but I just don't have the mental capacity to handle accepting the actuality of receiving them. To be pathetically honest, I spent the entire five minutes at the hospital just crying because I couldn't handle it. Awesome, to be an overly emotional girl.. Anyway, would it seem less pathetic if I tried to justify my immense fear? What always gets me is remembering the earliest possible encounter with shots I can re-live. I was probably three or four, and just remember the entire scene as sterile. With the hard, white floors, the obnoxiously bright lights, the glaringly empty wall, and the sounds of the crinkling wax paper beneath where I sat. I remember the nurse coming towards me with the needle in her hand and something in my mind just clicked, and I freaked, laid back on the bed and started kicking and screaming, trying to keep everyone as far away from me as possible. Actually kicking the needle out of the woman's hand before my mum grabbed hold of me, pressed me down, and they administered the shot. That doesn't really explain it though, there was some need inside of me to panic, like the air got lighter and my mind just.. flashed or fried or something? Well, I don't know, just.. whenever I'm close to getting a shot again the similar panic builds up inside of me and I just feel lost, and confused, and.. well, that I need to find a way out. I'm not really sure if you can call it re-living a traumatic experience, because I mean c'mon - it was a shot.. but itdefinitely stuck with me.

Though, shots are definitely one of my biggest fears, in actuality the thing that eats me up inside every day is the thought of failure. I'm stressing out right now thanks to my sheer inability to plan ahead effectively, and now I'm stuck trying to finish a heavy amount of work in a short amount of time. The thought of not getting some of this AP work done in time for school is absolutely terrifying. I've been having dreams about school ever since we got our schedules.. but they're less of dreams and more like nightmares. It's ridiculous that I can't accept the results of a mistake or simply not being good enough.. and yet there are going to be times when what I do is not enough, and when that time comes.. wow. This makes the future, well, a definite concern to say the least. The possibility that I might not be able to do everything I expect to do..

Argh. Too much.

Just to wrap with my other worst fear here (since apparently three things can exist within one superlative in my eyes). This one is kind of weird, actually, it's really weird. There's this man in some of my dreams (again with the dreams.. but just take a moment to note this true fact right here: apparently, every person you ever see in your dreams you have seen before. It's impossible to just make up the people that exist in your dreams, and this has something to do with the parts of your brain functioning when you sleep.. I'm not entirely sure, but I definitely read that on one of those strange but true fact sites) that just.. petrifies me. When I'm awake I can't imagine him, but every few years I have a dream about this person, and I just live in creeped-out fear for days on end, and I'm not even entirely sure why. I think it's the voice - I'd recognize it the moment I heard it.. though I can't describe it.. It's such a weird notion really. Fearing this person who I randomly encountered at one point in my lifetime.. but I feel like it's something significant.. something strange. Like if I was ever murdered - that would totally be the guy to do it. NOT THAT I THINK SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME, OR THAT I WILL BE KILLED OR ANYTHING. It's just that.. I can't even explain it in words. But it exists, and constantly pverhemls me with fear, even though I have no means of really understanding it (him?) whatsoever. It's confusing..

Wow.. hah, I swear I'm not a complete nutter! I just felt like sharing.