Wow. So last night I'm pretty sure I had the greatest dream ever, even though I still can't really lucid dream like I planned to learn how to do this summer.. but who's counting when it comes to unaccomplished goals? Anyway, basically Simon Pegg was one of my teachers in school and to make a long story short, I ended up marrying him. That's right. The greatest dream ever on my part pertains, apparently, to the thought of domestic bliss with a celebrity. Simple minds, simple pleasures and what not..

I rejoined civilization for the past few days, which was definitely quality. I like friends. What I do not like is the helpless, sinking feeling I'm getting watching myself falling further and further behind on my AP Language and Comp work. The history kids have the acronym APUSH.. and APLAC just really doesn't do it for me. Most likely because it has too much of a resemblance to AFLAC, and then I start to hear the obnoxious duck in my ear.

Today has been a day involving, primarily, fear. Honestly, it's probably all I've been thinking about (other than beloved Walden, that is).

To begin with, the day started off absolutely miserably because I knew I was getting a shot. They're really not a big deal, I know that inside, but I just don't have the mental capacity to handle accepting the actuality of receiving them. To be pathetically honest, I spent the entire five minutes at the hospital just crying because I couldn't handle it. Awesome, to be an overly emotional girl.. Anyway, would it seem less pathetic if I tried to justify my immense fear? What always gets me is remembering the earliest possible encounter with shots I can re-live. I was probably three or four, and just remember the entire scene as sterile. With the hard, white floors, the obnoxiously bright lights, the glaringly empty wall, and the sounds of the crinkling wax paper beneath where I sat. I remember the nurse coming towards me with the needle in her hand and something in my mind just clicked, and I freaked, laid back on the bed and started kicking and screaming, trying to keep everyone as far away from me as possible. Actually kicking the needle out of the woman's hand before my mum grabbed hold of me, pressed me down, and they administered the shot. That doesn't really explain it though, there was some need inside of me to panic, like the air got lighter and my mind just.. flashed or fried or something? Well, I don't know, just.. whenever I'm close to getting a shot again the similar panic builds up inside of me and I just feel lost, and confused, and.. well, that I need to find a way out. I'm not really sure if you can call it re-living a traumatic experience, because I mean c'mon - it was a shot.. but itdefinitely stuck with me.

Though, shots are definitely one of my biggest fears, in actuality the thing that eats me up inside every day is the thought of failure. I'm stressing out right now thanks to my sheer inability to plan ahead effectively, and now I'm stuck trying to finish a heavy amount of work in a short amount of time. The thought of not getting some of this AP work done in time for school is absolutely terrifying. I've been having dreams about school ever since we got our schedules.. but they're less of dreams and more like nightmares. It's ridiculous that I can't accept the results of a mistake or simply not being good enough.. and yet there are going to be times when what I do is not enough, and when that time comes.. wow. This makes the future, well, a definite concern to say the least. The possibility that I might not be able to do everything I expect to do..

Argh. Too much.

Just to wrap with my other worst fear here (since apparently three things can exist within one superlative in my eyes). This one is kind of weird, actually, it's really weird. There's this man in some of my dreams (again with the dreams.. but just take a moment to note this true fact right here: apparently, every person you ever see in your dreams you have seen before. It's impossible to just make up the people that exist in your dreams, and this has something to do with the parts of your brain functioning when you sleep.. I'm not entirely sure, but I definitely read that on one of those strange but true fact sites) that just.. petrifies me. When I'm awake I can't imagine him, but every few years I have a dream about this person, and I just live in creeped-out fear for days on end, and I'm not even entirely sure why. I think it's the voice - I'd recognize it the moment I heard it.. though I can't describe it.. It's such a weird notion really. Fearing this person who I randomly encountered at one point in my lifetime.. but I feel like it's something significant.. something strange. Like if I was ever murdered - that would totally be the guy to do it. NOT THAT I THINK SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME, OR THAT I WILL BE KILLED OR ANYTHING. It's just that.. I can't even explain it in words. But it exists, and constantly pverhemls me with fear, even though I have no means of really understanding it (him?) whatsoever. It's confusing..

Wow.. hah, I swear I'm not a complete nutter! I just felt like sharing.

My dad has told me he has no idea what is wrong with my computer and we may be forced to "nuke it." Now either he means we're putting it in the microwave, or, it may be time to begin casket shopping. My best friend.. gone. Condolence cards as well as flowers will be accepted. I am officially alone.

I was looking around the internet and I found this: http://www.goldinuniverse.com/
Everyone who does it seems really impressed with the accuracy of the results, so I did it.. Mine ended up kind of depressing, though - I guess - uplifting at the same time? Not sure what to think.

Presently, you are trying to break away from a situation that is causing you considerable worry and concern. Things are getting on top of you and you are feeling depressed almost to breaking point. Obviously there must be a way out - but at this time the solution seems to be escaping you. You want to 'get away from it all' and as a consequence you appear to be sullen and introverted and refuse to get involved in any discussion or arguments which could aggravate the situation. Accept the fact that 'as you feel - so your body will respond' and 'pretend' to the world about you that everything is going beautifully as, if you act as if 'all is going well' everything will, whether you believe it or not, work out as you would like it to.

For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable physical illness and or emotional distress. This may have taken a severe toll and you feel both physically and mentally worn out. Your self esteem has been reduced and you now need a peaceful environment which will permit you to effect full recovery.

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.

You are experiencing considerable stress which is essentially the result of on going rejection and hostility. You are in the unpleasant position where offers of trust, affection and understanding are being withheld and you are being treaded with a degrading lack of consideration. You feel that you are being denied the appreciation that you deserve, which is essential to your well-being and self-esteem, but you have to face up to the situation because as matters stand at this time there is little that you can do about it - you feel that you are getting nowhere and the continuous struggle is a lonely one: all difficulties and no encouragement. Whatever you try to say or do is met with continuous hostility and no matter how much you protest you are consistently misunderstood. You need to escape from the situation but you are so perplexed that you cannot find the strength of mind to make the necessary decision.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

Invisible

(This is a separate entry from above)

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it - does it really make a sound?

... Does it matter? No one cares.

wow.


i am free.

I'm back. Sort of. Things have changed.

Well, not as much as I would've liked them to. I was planning on coming back to blogging a new person. Yeah, I know, talk about realism. Instead I've returned two weeks later, very much the same.. just slightly more self-aware? At least hopefully more so, since these past two weeks in the classroom have been consumed with more personal thought than actual learning. Which is a surprise, considering how beloved parent-forced business camp and drivers ed sound like they should be.

Lately I can only fall asleep listening to music, and I really enjoy it that way since I have far too much new stuff to listen to, and there's really never enough time in the day. It's kind of funny what happens. I immerse myself in the covers, even if it's ninety degrees in my room, under the belief that any exposed limb could very well not be there in the morning. As if the blanket was some kind of shield, separating me from the imaginary force that is going to cut me clean as I sleep. I'm five years old. But anyway, listening to the music allows me to concentrate on one thing and one thing only, as I feel the rest of myself shut down and turn off, and right before I fall asleep my hearing fades as if the music isn't playing anymore - although I know it's there - and I exist in emptiness until my mind slows completely and I disappear. It's comforting, and at times I find myself wishing I could disappear in a similar way, even in full-consciousness, though I reckon the music does even let me partially do that. Whenever I'm feeling an extreme emotion, be it happiness, sadness, frustration, rejection, anything.. music makes it all better. Sort of.

Summing up life happenings for me lately? Dad's work's camp was - uh - interesting, to say the least. Granted, there was actually some really helpful information in it, it was still.. well.. long. I did have Heather and temporary friends there, though, which improved the situation. A LOT. Not to mention in our group presentations to a few managers or something at the company, I was totally praised for my graphic designs and explanation for something. Which was quality and earned me a fifteen dollar itunes giftcard. Hah, wasn't entirely sure what to do with that.. but most the funds went to software upgrade for my ipod touch. The ability for landscape typing and to search for stuff wouldn't have been worth my own $10.

Then we went to Salem for the weekend to drop my brothers off at soccer camp. There, I was 10 minutes away from an awkward confrontation. I kept imagining something would happen, though, of course it didn't. I tend to believe more on chance, despite knowing that it truly means nothing. Deep inside I know that then, and even this upcoming week nothing will happen. It's done. 1 year, I guess, wasted. But still. This idiotic, childish, helpless, completely naive side of me still lives on. I kind of hope the impending disappointment will just kill it.

I think Driver's Ed this past week was the longest one I've had in a while. I liked seeing Lara again, and was reminded of fifth grade when she was basically my best friend. We didn't really connect until the last day at lunch, as we rewarded ourselves with two massive pieces of the rotating chocolate cake, but that ended as soon as other people sat down with us.. I think I can attribute part of the class's length to the beloved Bob Robertson, who really needs to just sit back and retire - seriously. The other part goes to the people. The people who are caught up, convinced of their own superiority over everyone, and their right to criticize everything they don't agree with. Not that I did anything to stop them.. I'm not that strong of a human being. All I can do is facelessly complain about their attitude in the unreal-internet-world, and think that's sufficient enough.

On a disconnected, music-related note again (hah, note.. funny). Humbug by the Arctic Monkeys leaked this weekend and I'm obsessed. Cornerstone, Secret Door, Crying Lightning, Dangerous Animals.. too good. Hah, just sharing that review for everyone. Five stars, easy. A lot of people have a problem with it being a lot different than their other stuff, more QOTSA influenced - and though I do see the difference, it's not necessarily bad.. change is fine. Change, a sense of being static.. it's necessary. I, especially, think I need it.

As of right now, I want to think change will be a greater part of my life. Rather than just sitting on my ass complaining about how much next week is going to suck balls (which it is.. mentally at the very least) I'm going to try and do something about it. Or atleast live throughout it instead of just existing. Part of that includes doing the 30 day Shred. It's this ridiculous 30 minute workout that basically kicks your ass, but it sounds like it gives extraordinary results and change, and that's exactly what I want.. Something extraordinary.

Wow. I guess I had a bit to say. I did miss this doing this, pouring my soul and what not, I just couldn't stand it. And on a last note that finishes off everything I can possibly think of writing right now, I'm just going to state the fact that Russel Brand and Noel Fielding are the funniest people on earth.

That's all.