At this point I'd just like to point out a personal landmark achievement I've just reached: Facebook has just suggested that I switch my language to English (UK). Yeus. I thiunk I wiull.

Old - I know. But this is a poetic interpretation about my feelings regarding tonight. Well, minus the distraction part.. although the sentiment still remains the same. Emphasis especially after about 35 seconds.

I opened up my e-mail this morning to find this gem. IDEK. I LOLED.

Last night I had a dream I was married to Jason Mraz. It was nice at first, but then after a while I got sick of our marriage because all he would do was serenade me. Which was weird.. but in my post-remembered-dream analysis I decided he was like that because his singing career was the only extent to which he existed within my mind. It's really along the same lines as not being able to imagine your teacher's existence outside of school. Although, I shouldn't just limit that statement to teachers because I do have consistent ideas about everyone. Awkward, cool, too cool, perfect, annoying, cold, smooth, terrible, pathetic, stupid.. and it's all just me stifling people within my own mind. It's something I know that I'll eventually stop doing, it's something that will come to an end with some massive turning point in my life. But I'm still waiting for that turning point. And even though all sorts of things have happened in my life so far that I never could've imagined earlier, I still am just looking for that one moment that will change everything.. or at least have some sense of permanence. For now at least: consistent regression.

I curse like a sailor. If I'm not saying any of it out loud, it's because I'm censoring it. Which is actually sort of funny since it's the closest I can get to any form of rebelliousness.

Realizations so far this week:

• This limbo between adolescence and adulthood is somehow overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. A part of me finds this rapid transition between today and yesterday, the start and end of semester, and even the beginning and end of high school as a terrifying concept. Everything and everyone is static and any comfort found in a sense of consistency is lost. Though, at the same time, I think the spontaneity of life is the best part and maybe the benefit of exposing some sense of vulnerability outweighs any idea of protected relief.
• I love movies. My Netflix Queue is at 100+ and recommendations would be bitchin. My taste ranges from Tron to North by Northwest.. which basically translates to me having no sense of personalized taste. Give me anything.
  
• Drawing is not like riding a bike. You can forget it and you might end up just painting useless ink-water pictures for the remainder of class if you're not careful.
  
• I'm not sure what I fear more: actually committing to an idea or thinking of the idea in the first place.
  
• Random, solitary DPs to faux lesbian Russian pop duos are, without a doubt, the greatest stress relieving activity I can even think of. I can no longer comprehend why I once though that dancing awkwardly during the school day was something embarrassing.
  
• I spend a lot more time thinking of the random, inexplicable things I could do throughout the school day than I do actually committing things to action. The moments where I'm quiet and just staring are when I'm thinking about jumping off the ledge in the cafeteria or taking off my shoes and simply walking barefoot throughout the halls.
  

I have nothing worthwhile to say.

I need to sort my life out. Seriously.

I'm a terrible person. I like the impossible more than I like reality itself. I can't even appreciate the good because I'm too wrapped in my own tiny little world where everything I do is CLEARLY the right thing and anyone else who intrudes on this excellence is not worth my time. I'm indecisive, lazy, irritable, jealous, and I have this superiority complex that exceeds comprehension considering the way I usually act. I'm god-awful and just.. ghj;sdjh4n

Nothing appears to be my fault when everything actually is, I'm just too self-centered to notice. I'm pretty sure that if I just curl up small enough there's a point where I can actually just be completely insignificant. Everything's relative, right? In the grand scheme of things all of whatever I'm thinking is less important than what I actually do. Actions speak louder than words, AMIRITE AMIRITE?

There's a point in this Franz Ferdinand song Lucid Dreams that is almost purely synth with a little bit of drums.. and I'd say it sums up pretty well how I'm feeling right now.

I'm in love with an idea and nothing more.