I've been physically willing something exciting to happen to me so I can blog about it.. and I'm still waiting.

Lately I've been in a tremendously bad mood. And not even so much in the emo, piece-of-shit sense, but more or less outright cruel. I think it's my way of preoccupying myself from severe levels of boredom because I do it a lot. Like right now I'm being a severe asshole. Seriously, any time I attempt to talk to someone I end up giving smarmy remarks and just continually tooling on people just for the sake of it. And the thing is, I could stop acting so ridiculously in an instant.. and I can do that with a lot of feelings too. Like whenever I'm crying really hard, or laughing really crazily I can simply stop any emotion in an instant, no matter how overwhelmed I may have seemed before. The whole thing really makes me feel in control, and like nothing on the outside can effect me because I can change my reaction to it no problem and come off completely untouched. And it's just like I'm acting all the time because I'm in total personal control, but at the same time I'm not, and can let everything else guide how I'm feeling until I suddenly become internally conscious against everything that was building up before, and was getting bigger and bigger and becoming even more and more real and growing and continuing and moving until it just STOPS.

After hour seven of my 30 Rock marathon yesterday I realized I already hated summer. This is a problem. I'm preemptively stressed about things that don't exist simply because I'm used to feeling constantly in a frenzy. I spent the entirety of Monday on collegeprowler trying to narrow down my list of schools and I'm still at 30. My free reading pile is growing insignificant in comparison to my school pile. I need a job. I got a questionable haircut yesterday. I'm avoiding facebook now to try and put off responding to an awkward message. All I do with my days is eat. And did I mention I really need a job?

..Back to 30 Rock.

Today an application from Harvard arrived in the mail. No one in my fam sent out for it or anything so my parents have basically not stopped shitting their pants over it.

"REBEKAH, DO YOU REALIZE THAT NOT EVERYONE RECEIVES THIS?!?!"
"REBEKAH, YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU GO THERE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE. ANYTHING."
"REBEKAH.. HARVARD FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR ACADEMICS! THIS IS WONDERFUL."

Fuck me. I'm sure that every member of the board of admissions at Harvard is pissing himself right now in anticipation of my response. Seriously. I cannot wait for a summer of college tours with these people. In fact, I cannot wait for a summer of increasing isolation mixed with a shoddy sense of self-confidence all rolling together to produce my alter-ego Emo Bitch 2.0 - a whining mess of a wench in the preemptive stages of becoming a crazy cat or pigeon lady. I haven't yet decided which I prefer. Cat seems like the obvious decision, but something about Home Alone 2 made the thought of just living in a random music hall prime. Plus, those pigeons were at her beck and call. If she wanted to mess someone up, you can bet your ass she would send those pigeons after them and they would fuck shyt up.

I'm really afraid of the summer.. like more afraid than I am of finals or rabid dogs or things touching my eyes. The entire problem lies within the fact that the concept of summer holds so much potential, and every year I'm like "OH SHIII SUMMER OF FRESHMAN/SOPHOMORE/JUNIOR/SENIOR YEAR. THIS IS THE BIG ONE.." aaand then nothing happens. And what we end up with is this gaping black hole of dissapointedness. Now that I think about it, this sort of thing occurs all the time - like holidays. Come on, Christmas, Birthdays, Halloween, New Years, etc. = all huge examples of annual disappointments.. yet, they last a day so it's easy to forget the wreck that they are and, instead, just gloss over to their perfect facade. On the other hand, though, with summer.. that's a solid 60 days of just total baloney (bologna? whaaa) that you have to just straight up deal with..

But anyway.. sUmMaH tEnZiEz, let's gooo.. <3>

Can't melt, gotta freeeze.