Blogger goes through phases. Right now this lull is equivalent to last summer's: "I refuse to conform my blog to fit the expectations that have been unspokenly placed on it. I reject this!" phase.

In other news, I went to a car show today in Worcester - obviously because I have a huge passion for automobiles. While I was there I saw a grand total of six confederate flags, eleven mullets, and two people too fat to walk on their own. I was texting Erin about this the entire time and it helped me stay on task. But no joke.. confederate flags.. really? The entire time I was like "DIS IS MASSACHUSETTS. SRSLY YOU GUYZ, SERIOUSLY?" There was also this guy I saw who had this extreme farmers tan, a porn stache, and a shaved head except for a long ponytail in the back. I tried to snipe a picture of him as I was watching cars burn-out but for some reason the RAZR let me down. Maybe that has something to do with its prime being in the earlier 2000s..? Regardless, it was disappointing because I would've loved to showcase him here. Also. I do not understand what is especially fascinating about watching twenty cars spin their tires so much that they pop and massive amounts of smoke kicks up.. Yet for some reason that's what I spent probably a solid hour and a half of my day doing, along with hundreds of hicks and inbreds. Wait, I'm not judging.

Anyway, on a related note: woohoo. Happy fourth. GOD BLESS UHMERICA.

I've been physically willing something exciting to happen to me so I can blog about it.. and I'm still waiting.

Lately I've been in a tremendously bad mood. And not even so much in the emo, piece-of-shit sense, but more or less outright cruel. I think it's my way of preoccupying myself from severe levels of boredom because I do it a lot. Like right now I'm being a severe asshole. Seriously, any time I attempt to talk to someone I end up giving smarmy remarks and just continually tooling on people just for the sake of it. And the thing is, I could stop acting so ridiculously in an instant.. and I can do that with a lot of feelings too. Like whenever I'm crying really hard, or laughing really crazily I can simply stop any emotion in an instant, no matter how overwhelmed I may have seemed before. The whole thing really makes me feel in control, and like nothing on the outside can effect me because I can change my reaction to it no problem and come off completely untouched. And it's just like I'm acting all the time because I'm in total personal control, but at the same time I'm not, and can let everything else guide how I'm feeling until I suddenly become internally conscious against everything that was building up before, and was getting bigger and bigger and becoming even more and more real and growing and continuing and moving until it just STOPS.

After hour seven of my 30 Rock marathon yesterday I realized I already hated summer. This is a problem. I'm preemptively stressed about things that don't exist simply because I'm used to feeling constantly in a frenzy. I spent the entirety of Monday on collegeprowler trying to narrow down my list of schools and I'm still at 30. My free reading pile is growing insignificant in comparison to my school pile. I need a job. I got a questionable haircut yesterday. I'm avoiding facebook now to try and put off responding to an awkward message. All I do with my days is eat. And did I mention I really need a job?

..Back to 30 Rock.

Today an application from Harvard arrived in the mail. No one in my fam sent out for it or anything so my parents have basically not stopped shitting their pants over it.

"REBEKAH, DO YOU REALIZE THAT NOT EVERYONE RECEIVES THIS?!?!"
"REBEKAH, YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU GO THERE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE. ANYTHING."
"REBEKAH.. HARVARD FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR ACADEMICS! THIS IS WONDERFUL."

Fuck me. I'm sure that every member of the board of admissions at Harvard is pissing himself right now in anticipation of my response. Seriously. I cannot wait for a summer of college tours with these people. In fact, I cannot wait for a summer of increasing isolation mixed with a shoddy sense of self-confidence all rolling together to produce my alter-ego Emo Bitch 2.0 - a whining mess of a wench in the preemptive stages of becoming a crazy cat or pigeon lady. I haven't yet decided which I prefer. Cat seems like the obvious decision, but something about Home Alone 2 made the thought of just living in a random music hall prime. Plus, those pigeons were at her beck and call. If she wanted to mess someone up, you can bet your ass she would send those pigeons after them and they would fuck shyt up.

I'm really afraid of the summer.. like more afraid than I am of finals or rabid dogs or things touching my eyes. The entire problem lies within the fact that the concept of summer holds so much potential, and every year I'm like "OH SHIII SUMMER OF FRESHMAN/SOPHOMORE/JUNIOR/SENIOR YEAR. THIS IS THE BIG ONE.." aaand then nothing happens. And what we end up with is this gaping black hole of dissapointedness. Now that I think about it, this sort of thing occurs all the time - like holidays. Come on, Christmas, Birthdays, Halloween, New Years, etc. = all huge examples of annual disappointments.. yet, they last a day so it's easy to forget the wreck that they are and, instead, just gloss over to their perfect facade. On the other hand, though, with summer.. that's a solid 60 days of just total baloney (bologna? whaaa) that you have to just straight up deal with..

But anyway.. sUmMaH tEnZiEz, let's gooo.. <3>

Can't melt, gotta freeeze.

as soon as school is over I just want to pack up and spend a week camping somewhere with anyone and not have to care about a single thing because everything is stressful and nothing is everything and i don't think i'm going to bother ending sentences in this because there are no periods or commas or exclamation points in my head everything is this endless stream of constant thought and none of it really makes any sense because i cant edit what im thinking - theres no time its just infinite and it keeps going and going even when i regret some of it and by some of it i mean most of it because then i just act all embarassed that i had some thought in the first place and errthing gets all wonky because i think some outer being has a sort of sense of my consciousness but it doesnt and i cant really tell if i actually want there to be something or not since on one hand its nice to think im not alone up in this mess but on the other hand if something else was there that would mean it was privy to the same mess that i like to think doesnt exist thats right im calm cool and collected and i never am confused and im always happy and everythings wonderful and there is absolutely nothing to overanalyze and no immediate conclusions to jump to because everything is easy to interpret and so am i i think i want to listen to some music and sleep or just disappear for a little while or something if it was ever possible for a song to swallow you whole id want it to be a bon iver song because seriously that song would cradle and love you like a fucking baby and everything would be this light blue shade of yellow which doesnt even make any sense e but i dont care because im not stopping any of this although at the same time i am cheeeers i forgot how isolating the summer could feel in my head its just a blur of beaches friends and heat but i feel like thats never really the case for anyone summer is kind of a blackhole where any social confidence you once had submerges itself in the ocean and drowns in the salty sweaty mix that leaves you green and leafy along the side of some beach and its just the sandy remnants that get under your nails when you scratch your head that youll remember i think i started blogging around this time last year and i was convinced i was going to last while i was doing it and that i was actually going to commit to something whatta joke i dont like commitment or just giving yourself into something else in the sense that commitment suggests because really nothing is eternal things come and go and if it were a movie youd be just standing there on screen in the middle and the background would be going at hyperspeed as youd watch the sun and moon roll around and chase eachother in the sky and faceless people would walk in circles around you and the landscape itself would change and youd just stand there eyes closed in the very middle completely unaware of everything around you but nevertheless unchanged although i guess that would sort of be wrong because sometimes i think im sort of like a chameleon and depending on who and what im with is what i am and i kind of just wonder if the one who's really me is the one that ends up spending twenty hours of the day sleeping and the other four watching vicky christina barcelona and having her mom ask her if shes watching porn because the woman chooses to come in during the one part where everyones kissing eachother i think its stupid she thought it was porn because it was beautiful and elegant and so not grimy and fake and ridiculous and whatever i dont even think i can follow all of this by myself so if anyone actually sifts through this i congratulate them with a great big congratulations i think ive decided the bon iver song id be its creature fear even though i like them all if i was really really happy right now i think id want to be the magic position by patrick wolf because i like that song it makes me smile no matta what and speaking of happy i wish happiness and my phone were not intertwined when i hear it vibrating in the background im immediately elated because its like this buzzer that goes off that says someone is thinking about you and wants to talk to you but then the deafening silence ends up being this major fuck you to myself and it annoys me and then i end up moping around my house eating i really want to go for a drive right now and i want to drive with no direction or place in mind and i just want to follow random paths and end up in random places and meet random people and love random strangers and then leave it all behind because it doesnt matter and its just history and once history has come and gone there is no personal investment just this sense of objectivity who cares however many people died on whatever day on history because the ends of now justifies the means whatever they might be which is why its okay that there can be all these issues now because they just make you into whatever youre supposed to be in the future but the future isnt even something tangible i kind of think the future doesnt exist everything is just different instances of now aka the present and everything is just relative to this very moment or this one or the next one in a few moments from now but moment really doesnt have any definition because a moment can be anything you want it to be baby i really just want to lay down with someone and talk all throughout the night and just say whatever is in my head and hear whatevers in theirs and not stop but no one really cares that much about anyone thats why things like fromspring are such a joke no one cares that much about you to ask you a million questions like that because no one is as great as they think they are and people just want to answer questions in an attempt to prove contrary to that fact

shytt i dunno.